In the classic breakup tale, there’s the dumper and the dumpee, the villain and the victim. One person, often out of nowhere, cuts all ties while the other enters an ice-cream-soaked heartbreak spiral. And you know what? Fair. Breakups do sometimes happen like this, and they can be really freaking hard to get over.
But here’s another truth: Sometimes the person initiating the split goes through just as much suffering as the one caught by surprise, says Naomi Bernstein, PsyD. Meaning, having the “upper hand” in a situation like this can feel like anything but. This also tracks when you really think about it, because relationships are wildly complicated—and proactively saying goodbye to them can be even more so. Chances of having a completely clean, angst-less split are pretty slim, but there are ways to avoid lots of chaos and hurt. Just ask...you, our Cosmo readers.
Here, people on both sides weigh in on the best-case-scenario breakups they’ve had. Most of them involve telling hard truths, acting with kindness, and holding space for questions and conversations. Will things always go this smoothly? Of course not. But it’s honestly great to know they could.
- “She talked to her therapist first, then clearly laid out via text that she had a lot going on in her personal life and that she wanted to potentially remain friends. She thanked me for the time we spent together and said she was going to mute me on Instagram for a while. A few months later, she started Liking my photos again. It felt so positive!” —Beth, 28
- “I was dreading going over to his place after casually dating for a while. So I decided to do it that night. He came to pick me up, and I very calmly got into his car and said, ‘I think this has run its course. Neither of us are having fun anymore.’ He agreed, and we hugged. Easiest breakup ever.” —Maria, 34
- “I knew he was dealing with some mental health issues, so I called his parents and helped arrange for his family to visit him the following weekend. That way, he’d have his people around after getting out of a five-year relationship.” —Naomi, 26
- “I initiated. Nine hours of thoughtful conversation in person followed by a platonic bath together (in her giant soaking tub), where we put our hands on each other’s hearts and said what we were grateful for during our six months together.” —GG, 33
- “Although my ex dumped me via phone call and it was a terrible initial shock, she acted with honor throughout. She kept true to promises we made for the short-term future and was helpful with logistics as I moved things out of her house. I felt very seen, even good enough to try and jump back into dating.” —Eduardo, 28
- “I told a guy once that I didn’t think we were going to work out but that I had a friend who I thought would be better suited for him. He was a little shocked and basically said,‘Thanks but no thanks.’” —Alexandra, 30
- “He was significantly older than me and had kids, and ultimately our priorities were just too different. We met up at a coffee shop and had the most mature, mutual breakup. We’re still friendly—he lives one street away and picks up my mail when I’m out of town.” —Haley, 30
- “I broke things off because I was moving away. He was super kind about it and wished me well...and we had one final hookup. I ended up moving back three years later, and we’re now great friends—no weird feelings at all.” —Natasha, 30
